A collection of light bulb jokes with a few of my own. Some attempt has been made to spread offence evenly
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know I've just come on duty.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many deaf people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What?
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Why?
Q: How many Rosewell Aliens does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There are no aliens, there never have been aliens and anyway
they are too short, and don't need that kind of light. Now forget you asked.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody else tries to change the bulb at half the cost.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four.
One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many Standard Oil Executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb slowly destroys your house.
Q: How many conservationists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one but you must recycle the old one and you may get a tree worth of recycled paper asking for money and explaining that you should just go to sleep if it is dark.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many Country and Western Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to relate the tale of misery and grief about how the first was electocuted, fell on, and killed the faithful dog. How the wife drank herself to death because the insurance wasn't paid up and how the bank foreclosed on the house loan dooming the children to lives of poverty and pointlessness.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a load of light bulbs.
Q: How many Time Lords does it take to change a light bulb?
A: He did it before you asked. In a quarry in Surrey.
Q: How many telepaths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ah.
Q: How many Microsoft types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb will go off now and then for no reason. You will have to disconnect your house from the mains and reconnect to turn it back on. Sometimes it will not go off, same repair procedure. The upgrade, which is a bit more bright, will cost you $111 and you will need new switches, new wires and a new bulb holder. You will have to upgrade sooner or later because the type of electricity is going to be changed and its not compatible with the old type of bulb. You cannot get the electricity anywhere else and Microsoft own it. Sometimes the bulb will disconnect you from the mains without warning, but it will tell you, when you have got it back on, that you have committed an illegal act and suggest that it's all your fault for not turning the light off properly. Get a candle.
I was delighted to have this, below, (in blue) submitted, you might notice a few similarities to my own effort above
LIGHTBULBS
Q: How many geeks from Microsoft does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, one to change the driver and one to change all your settings back to default. The bulb still will go off for no reason and you will have to disconnect your house from the mains and reconnect to turn it back on. Sometimes the light will not go off needing the same re-set/repair procedure.
Occasionally the bulb will disconnect from the mains without warning and will inform you, when you have re-established connection and re-booted, that you have committed an illegal act and suggest that it's all your fault for not up-grading the integral light control procedures.
The upgrade, which is a bit brighter, will cost you $49.99 plus tax and you will need a new driver, new switches, new wires and a new bulb holder. You will, of course, have to upgrade sooner or later because the type of electricity is going to be changed and it’s not compatible with the old type of bulb.
Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to hijack the idea from a subordinate and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many trekkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'm a Doctor, Jim, not an electrician.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that kind of thing, but they can screw you up if you let them. However it's a bit academic since the church is the only place that can afford the electricity, activities there are limited, and you are going to Hell anyway for thinking about what you could do in the dark.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops to make him do it, if he doesn't want to.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals and Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
You may notice there is no Muslim version here, which is sad, as most of them have a perfectly
functional sense of humour. Unfortunately a few don't.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many not very bright people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong but not very bright people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many American football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. ? This one's a bit too American for me.
Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
A2: Fish.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
A2: One plus 500 support crew, 18 helicopters, 84 Tanks, 13 batallions, 154 tonnes of ordinance, 7 billion dollars, and more lives than is funny.
Q: How many SAS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Maybe one maybe three, you'll never know, but it might be best to be out of the house at the time.
Q: How many dyslectics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: ?left or right hand thread? Here is a better design. Have you checked the mains supply? Are you operating the right switch in the right way? Open the curtains.
Q: How many A.B.Os does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Pay an electrician £5 per hour, show him the plan. Never have to worry about bulbs again, Move to a bigger house.
Thank you letter #1 (delete as required)
Dear / insert name if known / Uncle / Aunt / Cousin / Sibling / Person whose name I forget / God / Friend / Alien
Thank you for the lovely present / cash / alcoholic beverage / container / trip to Jupiter / interspecies encounter / thing I just found in my (bed) (garage) ( body) (mind) (ear) (computer) (life)
I shall treasure it forever / remember more of it later / drink it immediately / find it soon / apply pennicilin to the bigger patches./ expect a (manual) (cure) (explanation) by (return of post) ( tuesday) (and by)
I am sure it will last forever / be a lasting memory / be found soon / clear up in time/be dug up some time in the distant future / be explained away as a meteorological event / evaporate with the morning dew.
Thanks again your loving Son / Friend / Nephew / Father / first contact / relative / associate / subject /sextoy / pet / project.
